I get by with a little help my friends.

God I hate people who start things out with song titles, don't you? Especially Beatles songs. So trite.

And yet... it fits.

Astin has a great post up called the Blame Game where he discusses how some of us divvy up the blame for how we play this game that has connected us. Go read it, it's good.

In his post, Astin uses yours truly as an example of someone who is examining her game to find the holes. One thing he said jumped out at me - I am my own worst critic. If I win, it's because there's some weird cosmic misalignment or the RNG is broken, not because I played well. This is nothing new, I've been guilty of this since I started playing with bloggers. But my degree of self-deprecation has reached a whole new level and by looking inside, I can see just how badly my confidence is broken. I can do a good facade of a chick who's got her shit together, but I've been rejected a few too many times in the past few years to be anything but full of self doubt. Even rejections done with love and kindness can still leave you a bit messed up in an it must be me after all kind of way.

My next tattoo should be: I doubt, therefore I might be.

In an effort to regain ONE thing I'm good at and can claim as my own, I'm re-focussing on poker. I have to correct Astin on one thing though, as I'm not so much examining my game (I can no longer see the forest for the trees), as asking friends what they think. And I have some killer friends who get me, and know just how to communicate best with me.

The new credo, NO MIN RAISES comes directly from Riggstad and CK. Both were blunt and straight to the point; one even threatened to spank me if I min raised in the Big Game. And no, it's not really much of a deterrent...quite the opposite, really. But it did the get the point across.

But the real smack upside the head came from Joanada last night with this exchange while I was deeeep in the last stages of the Donkament (which I placed fourth in and making ITM):

[00:07] jo: you are fucking killing the tourney
[00:08] jo: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
[00:08] badkatitude: I KNOW...go figger
[00:08] jo: ok - I am going to say this once and once only
[00:09] badkatitude: i'm going to get thwapped aren't I
[00:09] jo: bring your fucking biker bitch, ass kicking, leather tank top-wearing confidence to the table now or I am going to have to bitch slap you in ways that wont be pretty
[00:09] jo: and might not even feel good
Yes, that got my attention. Especially the last line.

So like when I'm in a group of new people, mingling and talking, I'm going to wear the confident-chick-in-charge facade at the poker table and hope like hell someday it'll be less of a facade.

3 Responses to “I get by with a little help my friends.”

  1. # Blogger BWoP

    BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

    Own it girl!  

  2. # Blogger Carson

    Kat you Rock, we all know it and we are smart people... maybe you should listen to us.  

  3. # Blogger Pokerwolf

    As someone once told me awhile ago:

    "Fake it, 'til you make it."

    One of the biggest reasons that people don't do things that they want to do is they say things like:

    "Oh, I could never..."

    "Yeah, that'll happen."

    "Amazingly, I...."

    And so on.

    The most important thing for you to do right now is pay attention to when those sort of things come out of your mouth and do your best to stop it. You're essentially telling yourself that you're a failure and good things will never happen to you.

    If you tell yourself that's going to happen, then guess what happens?

    It's not even saying things like, "I'm going to win today!". It's giving yourself a chance. Unlocking the doors and windows to opportunity and saying, "Hey, that's possible."

    People are always blown away by old people who go skydiving or other people who have visited many different points of the globe or done other really neat things. They have that reaction because they believe that it's downright impossible that something that awesome could ever happen to them or that they could do something similar.

    Why would anyone cut off those awesome possibilities and take away the chance for a once-in-a-lifetime situation?

    Because they don't believe in themselves and they're not giving themselves the chance to go for it.

    That confident person that kicks ass, takes names, and lives life to the fullest is inside you. You know her. Now, you just have to allow her to show up in your everyday life.  

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    Katitude



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