Because I work in a girls school, we have lots of discussions about gender and learning - some pretty interesting stuff there. And one of the behaviors I see a lot in both girls and women, is the I Suck response.

When trying to master something new, girls will internalize any difficulties they encounter; if they can't master something, it's because they are lacking. I'm stupid, I suck, I'm all thumbs, I'll never get this. Self recriminations abound. Doesn't matter if they only learned a new skill 2 minutes ago.

On the other side of the coin, boys tend to externalize - if they can't "get" something it's because they need more practice, to study more, the teacher didn't explain it very well, the book sucks.

I found myself wallowing in the I Suck response last night. I made a couple of stupid moves without thinking; this combined with some very minor comments typed into both the table and yahoo chats had me awake most of the night replaying some hands. So infuriating to place so well for most of the WWdN and cash game, and then throw it away with both hands in one bad move. The internal dialogue went something like this:

How could I have been so stupid as to not see that? Because I didn't even make the slightest effort at reading the board. God, I really am too stupid to keep playing this game. How much good money am I going to throw away? I should quit this game since I'm apparently too stupid to even grasp the basics for longer than an hour. God, I *do* suck. And not in a good way either.

There was more, but you get the idea.

Now that I've awoken, and have had my morning coffee and convo with Hunny Bunny, I can have a bit of perspective. I don't suck. I'm not stupid.

I'm just lazy as hell.

In HB's words, I "tend to rush around" and have the "self discipline of a gnat" (a GNAT??). My desire to crash chaos into my life is like a child constantly tugging at my skirt demanding candy, and I all too frequently give in to it.

The meaning of the word No has changed for me. Now it's closer to "Sure, why not?"

Will my pocket sevens hold, when the flop has come all pretty with paint and there's 3 other people still in the hand? The brain says NO! but the rest of me ignores it and says Sure, why not?

Such careless and misplaced optimism. (I had something else written after that statement, but realized I was heading for the I Suck response again.)

Where am I going with this post? No idea really. Don't forget it's the Mookie tonight (details on the sidebar), so come and play - tonight you might be lucky recipient of my chips *grin.

A bientot, mes amis!