more of the same crap aka February Blahs have hit me hard today

Warning: absolutely zero poker content here. Even less than usual. Seriously. Feel free to move on.


I'm heartsick today.

My friend has gone back to Australia, and it will likely be at least a year before I can see the girl again. I miss her already.

The weather is grey, but it snowed today, the slowly-falling-big-flake kind where everything looks like a christmas card. Which was good and made me smile. But then it melted and you could see how grey and dismal everything looks. Which isn't good.

There is a girl at school that I am desperately worried about. She is talented, creative, and incredibly interesting. But in the last year something has happened, and someone, somewhere is screwing her over. Because she is over 18, we can't do a damn thing unless she asks for help, and she won't because that's not what they do in her culture. Today something happened, and it disturbs me greatly that I am so effing powerless.

Hunny Bunny is, well Hunny Bunny. And sometimes that's good. But not always.

It's been occuring to me a lot the last few days, that the outer me is getting farther and farther from being anything like the inner me. I think about turning 45 next month, and wonder when, or even if, I'm going to grow up even a little bit.

I sometimes feel, for a brief nano-second, that my older brother's wife might be right, and I have wasted my life. The feeling does pass, and quickly; but the doubt can linger.

In the last week or so, I've had five very amazing, very cool, and very wonderful women call me amazing, cool and wonderful. So why don't I really believe them?

How's my poker game going, you ask? This is a poker blog after all. For the first time in 2 years, I don't really feel like playing this week. The vibe is off for the moment; Elvis and the poker gods have all left the building.

The latest iteration of this #@%$ing cold has me knackered. Dear Virii - Here's your eviction notice. I'd like my lungs back now.

Ah well. Like Scarlett O'Hara says, tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow will be better.

9 Responses to “more of the same crap aka February Blahs have hit me hard today”

  1. # Blogger Iakaris aka I.A.K.

    You have not wasted your life. You're one of the most interesting people I've met out there on the intertubes. Plus think of all the chips you've donated to my many pokah endeavours. Surely that's reason enough to find meaning in life?

    I totally understand missing Jules, because the two of you are clearly members of the same karass. Still...just gives you a reason to put Oz on the itinerary (I know I have).

    Cheers, Bella.  

  2. # Blogger Pokerwolf

    What are you basing on your "I've wasted my life" comments on?

    What haven't you done that you've wanted to do? If there's a number of things, make a list and go out and do them!

    You are one of the most amazing and wonderful people I have ever met, Kat. Seriously.

    You fucking rock!  

  3. # Blogger TenMile

    'Lo, Kat.

    Thanks for dropping by my place. Enjoyed the visit (for those of your readers whose eyebrows just met their hairlines, she dropped a comment on the blog).

    Think you might be missing what the snow had to say. Large lazy flakes mean warmth, don't they. And looking at all the grey, bare bones grey and muddy dreary, means that all the fluff of dead grasses, and broken branches are assimulated now, winter having done its job. The worlds getting ready to turn green again. Soon.

    I hope.  

  4. # Blogger Martini Goddess

    Come back to the cottage honey. We can commiserate together. I miss her too and I hate this time of year.

    We can perfect that chocolate martini and talk about what we want to be when we decide to start growing up.


  5. # Blogger HighOnPoker

    Hey Kat. It sounds like you are dealing with a bout of depression. I find that, especially after traveling or meeting up with people for a couple of days, it can be hard to adjust back to the everyday routine, and everything seems bleak for a while. It will turn around. Just remember that in the meanwhile, all of those negative thoughts are not permanent or real.  

  6. # Blogger Schaubs

    I don't know all that well Kat, in fact, I know very little about you other than what I read. However, it sounds like you have great support here from those who love you and know you well. It sounds like YABAYAL to me.

    You Are Beautiful And You Are Loved.  

  7. # Blogger CarmenSinCity

    Hey you!

    Just think - it could be worse - you could be me. Yuck!!

    It's Friday :)

    I hope your day is better.

    You know I love you!  

  8. # Blogger Irongirl01

    Its Okay to miss Jules and have a cry Kat....I think the Windigo is kicking our ass this time of year. We got away mighty easy in the Northeast during November and December. Its making the cold, snowy February miserable.

    Im missing a really really good friend too. I had to let him go figure out that his estranged wife should be kept estranged for a reason (for the 2nd or 3rd time but the first since Ive known him). Not sure how that is going to all play out but my guess is shell back door a better hand on him (as the good Dr said in a post).

    Bleck Bleck Bleck.....@#$!&

    You, me, Carm and Smokkee all have a case of theres something bigger meant for us but we cant put our finger on it.

    4 months to Vegas.. I am so there.


  9. # Blogger Wwonka

    You have a Job that you enjoy and is a benefit to society. You my friend have certainly not wasted your life.

    tell her to fuck off and get a clue.

    since A.C is so expensive come to vegas for march madness.


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